Friday, October 31, 2003

Thursday, October 30, 2003


Who on earth thought "I know, let's make a stuffed Chihuahua that you strap to your leg and that humps frantically while yapping away in frenzied delight?" Where did that come from? We can only sit back in awe at the thought process, and slowly begin to understand how the truly great inventors of our age spend their free time.

The Humping Dog (what a delightful name) has straps on his front legs so you can attach him to your leg, then with one squeeze of his ear he begins to, er hump. His humping and yapping become more and more frantic and culminate in a satisfied groan - perhaps that's more information than you needed. Why are we selling something so truly tasteless? Because pretty well everyone in the company wanted one when the prototype came in. So either everyone here at IWOOT is tasteless, or it's just the funniest thing ever - it's a moot point. Whatever the reason, the Humping Dog will incite uncontrollable laughter wherever he performs.


- One sexually over zealous Chihuahua
- Straps for attaching to leg or table leg
- Squeeze his ear to let him rip
- Humps and yelps for ~30 seconds (sigh)
- 27cm high
- Strap for leg 40cm
- 4 AA batteries (included)

Click here to buy one...


Let it load to 666 mph.

-edit: Does Grandma really say, "Look at that Uterus"??? Maybe I'm just hearing things.


Game Contents:

Game Board, Loan Shark Tray, 40 Crack Houses, 17 Projects, Pink Slip Cards, Ghetto Stash and Hustle Cards, 7 Game pieces (Pimp, Hoe, 40 oz, Machine Gun, Marijuana Leaf, Basket Ball and Crack), Counterfeit Money, and 2 Dice (non metallic).

So, his second game, and he's already notched his first double-double. Two assists shy of a triple-double.

"I never saw him play until today. Unbelievable."
-Peja Stojakovic on LeBron James

Halloween Party!!

How's this for a fucking party invitation?

This fish in Lake Lewisville are on Prozac...

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Wow!! An even better pic of Kobe in his new jersey!!!

Monday, October 27, 2003

The Positions of The Woochata....

Found at Nymphomania or Narcolepsy?

Woochata in Spring aka. Bending and Changing Pussy
Spring is the time of new beginnings. Morphing. People like spring and so does the woochata. As noted previously, Bending over backwards to grab your ankles is a pivotal part of this position. It’s where your body starts to do things you didn’t know were physically possible. Kinda like bleeding from your tuna fish cave for a week and not dying.

Woochata in Summer aka. Crouching Tiger Hidden Pussy
During the summer months things become wild and adept to the heat around them. Like this, the woochata too utilizes the need to Let Loose. Crouching Tiger Hidden Pussy is where you opted to free ball while wearing a skirt and bend over to do something when the people behind you try to check the woochata but can’t really see it because it’s hidden behind your briar patch of hair.

Woochata in Autumn aka. The Worst Witch Woochata
I live in California so I don’t exactly know what the fuck an autumn is suppose to look like. What I do know is we celebrate Halloween in there somewhere. According to the Prophet Sabrina, autumn is Halloween. Because of this we have the Worst Witch Pussy. It's when you're trying to do clever tricks with your pussy like smoke a cigarette but you just burn your labia. The pussy is not magic.

Woochata in Winter aka. Male Pattern Baldness Pussy
Winter is notorious, and not like B.I.G., but just known for death. Barren land. Now don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean if ya fuck this woochata you won’t end up with a mini me. It just means it’s a bald fucking pussy. Also, it means the woochata is more susceptible to disease so you best take care of it and douche it. Or something.

My Tech Tip for the Day:

Have you ever been trying to download large files (video, rar, iso) from WinMX, only to get "File Error 2", almost exclusively with the files with excessively large names and containing foreign characters? Yeah, it was getting really old, but thanks to the good peeps at WINMX COMMUNITY (lotta pretty smart people there) I've found a solution... Listen up.

Right click the file you want to download in WinMX and select manually download, then you will be given the following three options:

a) save to a new file
b) manually browse for the file to resume from
c) resume from the partially downloaded file:

In this case you choose b) and enter a filename you like, without all the stupid foreign characters. Now you're in business. The download appears in your transfer window with the correct kb's and all matching files will resume to this download, or you can auto-find sources. Happy-fun!!

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Okay, this post is dedicated to ANNA!!!

Yeah, these guys have no idea what the fuck they're doing, but plenty of good times are associated with this song...

Click for the Milk & Cereal Video.

The Matrix: Revolutions - Nov. 5th

Click here to watch the trailer.

Christopher Walken is a badass!!

"Christopher Walken, 60, celebrates his birthday every time he makes a movie - regardless of what date it is. "You can only do it once a movie," the actor tells the San Francisco Chronicle. "I get up early and I'm in the makeup chair at 6 in the morning. I pretend that I'm sad. Sooner or later, someone says, 'Chris, what's wrong, you look a little sad.' And I say, 'Well, it's my birthday and I'm all alone.' But the key thing is to say after that, 'Make sure you don't tell anyone.' Then around lunchtime, they have a cake, maybe some gifts or champagne."

WHOA... Look who came home drunk last night and became a hardcore baseball fan...

FUCK THE YANKEES. No, really, FUCK THE YANKEES. And fuck the Red Sox, too. And really, really Fuck the Marlins.... Florida can't buy a winning team every year like George Steinfucker can, but Fuck, do you realize that those fuckers have had only TWO winning seasons in their miserable existence? Guess which two seasons those were...
If they follow their current trend, every man on that roster with a contract of any substance or who isn't lugging around a big bag of nothing will be dropped for "prospects". A strategy that would surely fail if attempted by any other team, but don't be surprised if you see the 2009 World Series won by a group of underpaid Florida Marlins in front of an indifferent crowd at Pro Player or Depends or Fidel Castro or whatever the fuck corporate sponsor Stadium it is by then.

But then again, odds are the Yankees win it that year...

Thursday, October 23, 2003

When you're stoned, baby
And I am drunk
And we make love
It seems.....
A little desolate.
It's hard sometimes not to look away,
And think what's the point
when I'm havin to hold this fire down.
I think I'll explode
if I can't feel this free now...

Cause if you won't let me fall for you
Then you won't see the best that
I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
Cause I'm bored of hangin out, in your cold

When I feel love, baby, joy in the road
And the world moves with me
And I feel love start just slip away silently
Quietly take my things and go
And think what's the point,
think where's the hope when coming home

Cause if you won't let me fall for you
Then you won't see the best that
I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
Cause I'm bored of hangin out, in your cold

Sunday, October 19, 2003


You can now play against me in Tic Tac Toe!!

But be warned, I will kick your ass...

Cowboys: 5-1, biotch.

"I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm, and a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then.
When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass.
Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat.
The girl started crying and left class."

Saturday, October 18, 2003

MDMA utilizes Serotonin. Opiates, like heroin, utilize dopamine. Sort of like the same sensation you get after sex. Amphetamines increase adrenaline. And cocaine gets those synapses in the brains firing really fast. My product is 51 times stronger than cocaine, 51 times more hallucinogenic than acid, and 51 times more explosive than ecstasy. It's like getting a personal visit... from God...

We in tha house...

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

-Courtesy of

Careful. It's poison. Okay, it's not really poison, but you'd probably have to drink oil to flush this shit out, and that's poison. Swanson, producers of some of the world's fattiest TV dinners, is seeking to take over the breakfast market with a new line of microwaveable morning meals. It's called the 'Hungry Man All Day Breakfast,' and it's threatening to turn people into manatees.

Now you may think I'm being overly obvious here - everyone knows TV dinners are bad for you, right? This is true, but Swanson's new breakfast takes it to a level which previously could only be achieved by eating entire alternate universes made only of prosciutto. I'm being totally serious - I'm obsessed with reading those stupid nutritional labels on everything in the supermarket, and to date, I've never seen anything quite so decidedly heart-killing than Swanson's Hungry Man Breakfast. Don't believe me? Check it out...

Holy shit. Holy holy HOLY shit. 64 grams of fat, 2,090 milligrams of sodium, and enough cholesterol to kill anything that's ever lived. The 'justification' is that you're supposed to eat shitty food in the morning, as it supplies you with a suitable amount of energy to get through the day. Unfortunately, Swanson's supplying you with enough 'energy' to get through a week, and even if the only other thing you ate after this breakfast was oxygen, there's still a relatively high chance that your ass will grow hands and tie your intestines in knots to prevent this shit from ever passing through. Really, really awful stuff.

Don't get me wrong, eating this would be acceptable for certain types of people. I guess football players could get away with it. Plus, if you're already 400+ pounds with no foreseeable future as a human being who doesn't resemble a monster truck, you may as well throw caution to the wind and chow down. Fill your bowl full of jelly with a tray full of dead animals and chicken miscarriages. But for people who can safely walk on the second floor? You may wanna stick to the Pop Tarts.

Admittedly, we all do it sometimes. You've got your fast food chains, your diner specials - sometimes, it's hard to resist the breakfast that kills. Swanson has heightened the danger levels in a big way, though. The uninformed and the very hungry are being given the opportunity to stock their freezers with this crap and eat it day after bloated, miserable day. I can't say for sure just how bad eating Swanson's Hungry Man Breakfast is when done sporadically, but I'm fairly certain that eating it for a week straight would invariably cause your innards to swell to the point that they crack your ribs right through your skin and onto the floor. The irony here? Other, even fatter people are just gonna run into the room and eat all the ribs you spilled.

I know, I'm exaggerating things a little. People eat junk all the time, it's all about knowing how to moderate. I'm just a little thrown off here - I've never seen a company who uses the 'percentages based on a 2,000 calorie diet' chart actually admit that one serving of their stuff tallies in with 231% of your daily cholesterol allotment. If there exists a saving grace, the Hungry Man meal absolutely must be the best-tasting, magnificent food on the planet. I wasn't willing to find out the hard way, but let's explore the meal's appearance so we can try to gage how well it tastes.

When I took this massive beastly breakfast out of its box, I swear to God, the theme from 2001 was sung downward from the clouds. This was a lot of food. And to be honest, I don't think the variety of food represented here was ever meant to be cooked together in one plate. The different edibles all seemed to mesh together into one large ball of terror, and I hard a hard time figuring out if the stuff staring up at me was breakfast or leftover puppy afterbirth the mothering dog down the block forgot to lick up.

Usually, whenever something is cooked in this apartment, a fleet of cats line up waiting to see if they can snatch a freebie. As the breakfast became hotter and greasier, they all suddenly appeared from their mystery spots to see what they could con out of me. I smirked to the floor before throwing down the box chart featuring the sadistic nutritional facts about what was being cooked. Two of them did that screechy cat-scream thing, while the other two jetted right through the side wall, leaving two comical cat-shaped holes not unlike those typically found in Roadrunner cartoons. I know you don't believe that my cats can read, but they did the same exact thing when I threw Courtney Love's Vanity Fair issue down at them a few years ago. They're smart cats. Smart enough to avoid Swanson's and stick to the many roaches that stalk the halls of my frighteningly filthy abode.

A stench lifted from the microwave - it was like nothing I've smelled before. It was the kind of odor that had me preparing to lift the wallet off the four-week-old corpse I was about to find. But this stench! This stench was no corpse! This stench was breakfast!

Well, thar she blows. Eggs, pancakes, sausage, bacon, and home fries. Lots of them. Caesar's fills their Sunday buffets with less food than this. It didn't take me long to realize that the stuff wasn't really all that palatable, but for the benefit of those who've never had the chance to witness this rare creature firsthand, I'll give you a food-by-food genetic breakdown of this most dastardly compound. Be warned, the pictures are of a graphic nature and I can't be held responsible for associating what we see to either vomit or dog shit. The associations are easily made and I've gotta play by the rules.

The two home fries are each roughly the size of a football, and much mushier than you'd expect. It's not the kind of 'mushy' that'd usually just mean I didn't cook 'em long enough - it's the kind of 'mushy' that strikes fear into the hearts of even the bravest, because even to the very first touch, nobody wouldn't realize that there's something other than potatoes in there. According to the ingredients, it might be 'dihydrogen pyrophosphate.' I think 'semen-dipped maggots' is more likely, but for all we know, 'dihydrogen pyrophosphate' might just be technical jargon for semen-dipped maggots.

I pressed one of the home fries' middles with my finger, which led to it oozing out some kind of clear creme in a most grisly fashion. It couldn't have just been water, because water never stained my kitchen countertop before. Little did I know -- the worst was yet to come. Compared to some of the other foodstuffs I was about to peel off this unholy tray, the potatoes seem like vitamins. Semen-dipped vitamins.

I think the company line says that we're looking at bacon up above, but I can't seem to shake the idea that Swanson is trying to feed people horse scabs. You might consider me redundant for calling bacon 'greasy,' but the description has never been more warranted. In fact, the bacon is so greasy that the air in my kitchen started feeling moist and humid, as if the bacon was acting as some kind of organic air purifier that rebels by spewing poisonous pig gas into the room instead. I apologize for my unfamiliar tone in this article; the fumes really started to fuck with my head. Some of the bacon was opaque enough to serve as pieces of a church's stained glass manger, while others were absolutely transparent enough to serve as windows in the little tiny dollhouse I'm about to make out of the Hungry Man pancakes.

It's kinda sad that a pig had to die for me to take that picture up there. Next time I do a mock oink, it'll be with a heavy heart.

There's nothing inherently wrong with the pancakes other than their rather dubious choice in company. I've really got nothing at all to say about them. I like my paragraphs to at least look impressive on the skim-through, so I'd really hate to have to end this one so soon. My hope is that you're not really reading the article, moreover just scanning through while looking at the pictures and judging how good the article must be based on the general length of the paragraphs you skip. If that's the case, it affords me the chance to type totally off-topic, random words just for the sake of making this bitch seem lengthy. I mean, goldfish lamp wallpaper skeleton in my Bavarian Star or what? Flowers mirror computer Smurfs every time Moses flies playing cards in or around Paris. Oh, now to make a paragraph-ending sentence that makes the rest appear like it was consequential. That bacon was really greasy!

The next food we're going to take a look at was my favorite of the bunch. Sausage has a new face, and it's not unlike the current face of what dogs leave on your front lawn.

Makes you wonder if Swanson's assembly line includes a few specially trained apes who run around the belt shitting in the trays at timed intervals. And tear down my theory all you want - ape shit probably isn't any more disgusting to eat than whatever these sausages are composed of. I think it's safe to say that we're not getting any of the more choice cuts with these. This company is even less wasteful than the fabled Native Americans of yesteryear. Even the Indians stopped before using the rim of flesh trimming the buffalo's exhaust pipe. Swanson had no misgivings.

Swanson never has any misgivings. They're totally misgivingless. I think they need a few misgivings. They could start with excluding the forty pounds of fake eggs from future microwaveable breakfast meals...

The consistency is more like pound cake, the aroma is more like Petland's rabbit section. I'm a little bias because I fear eggs in general, but I've certainly seen enough of them to know that these eggs have some serious issues. I'd like to sit down with the eggs - I'd like to discuss these issues with them. I feel I can offer some newfound hope to these poor eggs, which even while next to sausagey dog shit, still manage to look creepy. I wish the eggs would listen to me, talk to me, but my prayers fall on deaf ears. I still pity the eggs despite their noncommunication, because but for a slight twist of fate, they could've clucked and eaten seeds. Now they live in my lid-shut trash can, a realm as dark as their unforgiving hearts. They will never see the light of day again, and shant be reheated. The eggs are gone forever now, and I salute their poor mother. Poor mother, I salute. I really hope I haven't inadvertently eaten you along the way.

Well, there's the meal in its entirety. Quite a sight, huh? I like how the sausages on top of the home fries combine to look like an edible tank. Unfortunately, that's about all I like about this Hungry Man Breakfast. Sorry, Swanson.

Monday, October 13, 2003

It's getting closer to the end, every part of me
And then disaster takes its toll, and now i'm left with only me
Maybe sorrow plays a role, when you feel unkind
Your abuses will let her stand in a line, forever lost in time

Save me
Save me
Before i drown
Save me
Save me
Before i drown

It's getting closer to the end, i look back and smile
We conquered every single bump in my road, made it all worth while
Just remember how i cared, when it came crashing down
I'd like to toast to all those angels that were always hangin' 'round

Save me
Save me
Before i drown
Save me
Save me
Before i drown, oh

Maybe life ain't what it seems, 'cause it's all a dream
Forgive me
Sometimes i feel like a fool, 'cause i'm so uncool
Forgive me...

Sunday, October 12, 2003

So you've got a big bag of cocaine, and you don't know what to do with it??? Here are a few suggestions!!

Mix about 1 g of coke in 10 ml of water in a small vial. Slowly add drops of ammonia to the solution. A white milky precipitate will form. Stop adding ammonia when additional drops no longer result in precipitation.

Add 5 ml of ethyl ether, close vial, and shake. The precipitate (freebase) will dissolve in the ether. Siphon off the ether with a pipette (ether and water don't mix), and slowly drip it on a plate.

As the ether evaporates, white crystals will form. This is the evil freebase. Crush the crystals and put under a heat lamp for at least 24 hrs to let the solvent evaporate.


This is how Richard Pryor almost died. A lot of untrained people killed themselves doing that procedure, and this is why crack is now more popular.

Mix 2 parts of coke HCL to 1 part baking soda in 20 ml of water. Heat solution gently until white precipitates form, and stop heating when precipitation stops. Filter and keep precipitate.

Wash precipitate once with water (this procedure usually omitted in street product).

Dry 24 hours under heat lamp. Voila. The product is much less pure (there is lots of baking soda left) but the procedure is safer.

Common Crack Method
Mix 2 parts of coke HCL (regular cocaine) to 1 part baking soda in 20 ml of water. Heat solution gently until white precipitates form, and stop heating when precipitation stops.

After gentle heating, the freebase coke will float to the top, any excess soda will precipitate to the bottom.

Given that, you'd never filter it, and the 24 hour heat lamp thing is unrealistic, too.

Just collect the compound that rises to the top, and you have the finished product.

Note that what you're trying to do is start and sustain a chemical reaction (bonding the hcl with the base-soda) so as long as the reaction is happening you don't have to continue heating.

What Does This Accomplish
By doing something like one of the methods above, the resulting freebase cocaine is easy to smoke, it requires a lower temperature to ignite than non freebase cocaine.

If one were to smoke cocaine as is, there would be too much waste. Some people do smoke cocaine as is, but it is much more efficient to freebase or make crack.

Never inject crack or freebase cocaine, it can cause a heart attack or stroke. Both of which would really suck.

Say hello to the rug's topography
It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it
Say hello to the shrinking in your head
You can't see it but you know its there so don't neglect it

I'm taking her home with me all dressed in white
She's got everything I need pharmacy keys
She's falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes
She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys

Say hello to all the apples on the ground
They were once in your eyes but you sneezed them out while sleeping
Say hello to everything you've left behind
It's even more a part of your life now that you can't touch it

I'm taking her home with me all dressed in white
She's got everything I need some pills and a little cup
She's falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes
She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys

What goes better with beer than a tuna fish sandwhich on toast??

Well, probably a lot of things, but I can't think of any right now.

So I've been listening to the new A Perfect Circle CD a lot lately, and I must say, it's pretty damn good.

I give it an A-. I'd give it a straight up A, but I've been kinda doubting my musical taste since I'm still listening to that Limp Bizkit CD...

Cowboys: 4-1, biotch.

Hey kids feel your balls
So you don't get Cancer
Hey kids feel your balls
So you don't get cancer

Feel your balls
Squeeze your balls
Tease your balls
Please your balls

Early detection is the key
Rub your balls and you won't get cancer

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Meet Bobby. Bobby has a friend who shoots him with a paint ball gun, and Bobby's blog appeared on the most recently published blog thing the same time mine did. Bobby likes Reno 911, so Bobby's cool with me. Here's a sample of Bobby's blog stylings:

well eney he came over to my street and somehow got on the roof of my nabers and shout at me w/ a pant ball gun but before he shout he used his T-Mobile Sidekick to aim me this

bobbydogerson(11:11:54 PM): hey
greenphone (11:12:04 PM): heya
bobbydogerson(11:12:46 PM): i can see you
greenphone (11:12:58 PM): what?
bobbydogerson(11:13:06 PM): boom
bobbydogerson(11:13:15 PM): your dead
greenphone (11:13:21 PM): yep
greenphone (11:13:43 PM): i shout you
bobbydogerson(11:14:37 PM): yep dam pant ball on my
windo screen
greenphone (11:15:11 PM): yep i love my T-Mobile Sidekick lol
bobbydogerson(11:15:36 PM): ok go home now billy
greenphone (11:15:51 PM): ok bye
greenphone signed off at 11:16:05 PM.

so now i got pant ball on my windo screen o well




That makes almost no sense to me, but I really have a feeling that Bobby is a cool guy, and I really hope that he's able to get that pant ball off his windo screen, and that he never grows up to stalk me.

"I'm not going to say Limp Bizkit suck. I know it, you know it. I'm not going to say it." -Trent Reznor.

Damn, this is really, really embarassing... So last night I downloaded the new Limp Bizkit CD, just for the hell of it, and it turns out I actually like it....