Saturday, November 29, 2003

WOW, nothing is better than coming home totally trashed and having left-over turkey, stuffing, and taters waiting for you in the fridge...

Merry Thanksgiving Everybody!!

Friday, November 28, 2003

Pointless Animated Violence 2!!

Madness Combat is the shit!! Everybody's favorite little plus-sign-faced killer is back, and he's bloodier than before. And this time there's an Improdabability Drive.

Click here to see Madness Avenger.

I'm not sure whether or not I still like the original better, but it's cool as fuck to see a sequel.

The System Is Down

The Strongbad Techno Email is one of my favorites ever. At the end not only can you download a remix of his cheesy-ass techno song so you can burn it onto a CD and annoy your friends everytime they get in your car, but if you click on the lightswitch you can see a flyer for the Cheat's Lightswitch Rave, while it loops in the background.

End of the World!

This is how the world will end. Some funny shit.

Fucking kangaroos...

Blink 182 has a new CD out. If you like the Cure you should check it out, one of the best tracks, All of This, has none other than Robert Smith on vocals. Amazing song...

With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I wait for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

With all of this I feel now
Everything inside of my heart
It all just seems to be how
Nothing I feel pulls at me at all
Again I wait for this to pull apart
To break my time in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting you
Yeah I'm always wanting you
I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting you

All again I wait for this
To fill a hole, to shake the sky into
Another night with her
I'm always wanting you
Another night with her
I'm always wanting you

What's short, white, and has two sprained ankles???

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

I met Jesus this past weekend.

Jesus drinks Keystone Light.


Are you sad? Proloxil can help.

Monday, November 24, 2003

Summer Altice is hot.

Ripa's Ripped!

Kelly Ripa's Secret.

Amazing Album Cover Finder

This is really cool.

The Beautiful Women of Wal-Mart...

Yeah, right. Whenever I go, the "Greeter" looks like a child molester, the girls in electronics are bean bags, all the stockers are illegal aliens, and regardless of what check-out lane I use, the cashier always smells like hot dogs.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Fun At Work!

Whenever I get bored at work, I like to leave my coworkers random voicemails using AT&T Labs - Research Text To Speech Demo. You should too. It's fun.

And if, hypothetically speaking, you were to walk by someone's desk, and they just happened to have left their Outlook account open, you should try e-mailing a link to the Paris Hilton sex video to every girl in the sales office. Hilarity will ensue. I promise.

Cowboy's Junk

In case you missed the random dingus on WFAA after the Cowboys game last week, you can see the video here.

NOTE: The link to the Cowboys video is down due to too much traffic. A new link will be posted when somebody sends me one.

NOTE: Somebody send me one.

My Inspirational Quotes For The Week

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!"


"Fantasy is what people want; reality is what they need."

-Lauryn Hill unplugged

"Never try to be better than someone else. Always keep learning from others. Never cease trying to be the best YOU can be. That is something that is within your power. But when you get too engrossed with things over which you have no control, it will adversely affect the things over which you have control"

-John Wooden, Legendary Basketball Coach

“Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”

-Tyler Durden

“The wisest person makes those around them realize their own brilliance.”

-Someone smart

“Don’t tell me about the pain, show me the baby.”

-Bill Parcells

“A lie can make it half way around the world before the truth has a chance to get its boots on.”

-Mark Twain. And Sportsnight.

“I wanna fuck a dog in the ass.”

-Tom Delonge

“I don’t always know what the right thing to do is, but I think that the fact that I want to please you, pleases you.”

-Another random Sportsnight quote

“Well, the thing on my mind right now isn't the good coffee in my cup, it's the dead nigger in my garage.”

-Quentin Tarantino

“Joyfully participating in the sorrows of the world.”

-Buddha. And the Sopranos.

“Two people can be perfect for each other but if the timing's wrong its never going to work out. Bad timing is the reason that most normal people end up single. Weirdos and creeps are single because they are weird and creepy but people like us are single because of bad timing.”

- Jon Favreau

“If it wasn’t for Mountain Blast Powerade, I would’ve died of dehydration a long time ago.”


"One minus one - Negative one minus negative one is nothin"

-Big Boi

“Skeletor, you made me do some coke!!”

-Brandon Dicamillo

Cowboys: 8-3, BIOTCH!!

Friday, November 21, 2003

Back to back nights of two on two + Excessive drinking = Me stumbling around work like a hungover cripple.

Plus I have bloody finger.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Let Them Sing It For You

This is a genius concept, and will be cool as fuck if it ever gets completed.


This game is addicting...

Tommy Lee Condom?

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Smilies Gone Bad.

I've seen plenty of smiley thingies in my day, but this is by far the most disturbing...

Monday, November 17, 2003


I fucking hate those fucking Mac "Switch" commercials. Fuck.

Best In Show

This is one badass dog.

Congrats to Steve Nash

First career triple-double. First triple-double in the history of the American Airlines Center. And he looked so happy. When he grabbed that 10th rebound with five seconds left and then was blowing kisses to the crowd as the buzzer went off, it made me wish I was there. 'Cause if I was, I woulda been all like, "Yeah, Steve Nash!! Way to go, Steve Nash! G's up, hoes down, Steve Nash!! Holla if ya hear me!"

But really, that was quite a performance, it's pretty amazing when your 6'2" point guard snags almost 1/4 of your team's rebounds.

You da man, Steve Nash!!

I am with you, now I've got to explain
Things they are changing such a permanent way
Life seems unreal, can we go back to your place
You drink too much, makes me drink just the same

First time it happened too fast,
The second time I thought it would last
We all like it a little different

This is the funniest sentence I've read in at least seven hours:

"So, I've always been a little sad because the only person who ever hit on me was that homeless man two years, one month, and one day ago."

It can be found here.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Paris Hilton

Thanks to this guy, I finally found a real working link to the Paris Hilton sex video...

The whole night vision thing kinda scares me, I keep waiting for a CNN logo to appear in the bottom corner, or see green explosions in the background.

She's all mugging to the camera and shit, you think they could've at least turned the lights on; oh well.

I'm sure there's a really lame Hilton/Tom Bodett joke in there somewhere, but nevermind.

Another new background. Quick and easy PS tutorial here. A few adjustment layers later and voila.

How do you stop a Mexican from jumping on his bed?

Put it in drive.

- A racist person told me that joke, and I did not laugh.

Somebody made a blog "all about your favorite porn stars." If you like that sorta thing.

Watch Strong Bad do the Sqeaky Pants Dance with a floppy disk taped to his head.

The Worst Jobs In Science??


My Grandma's a mean cross-stitcher.

Woo-fuckin-hoo, my first totally original background pic; okay the chick bendin over is from a poster for "Secretary", which everybody tells me I need to see, but I never do, cause I'm so "busy", yeah right, but I hear it's good, but anyway, I made all the resta that shit all on my owns.

And yes, I do suck.

Do somethin.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

I Really Like American Girls.

She was still sleeping; the problem will stay
One more day
Said she's not sorry the wind blows her way
Accidents happen, there's one planned today
Oh you see...

I wish it was not true
But that's the way it is
It's not your fault
That's the way it is
I'm sick of you
And that's the way it is
And will always be.

Sunday is over, it's over again.
Said my goodbyes to the life we won't spend

I wish it was not true
But that's the way it is
It's not your fault
That's the way it is
I'm sick of you
And that's the way it is

But that's not your problem
That's not a problem
That's not my problem
That's not your problem.

How To Be A Drunk Asshole!!

Total and absolute genius, even if too much of it sums up myself on my birfday... Once again, courtesy of

So many fish, there in the sea
I wanted you, you wanted me.
That's just a phase, it's got to pass;
I was a train moving too fast

Didn't understand - what to see.
Yeah, then I got a different view...

Wait, I'm gonna give it a break.
I'm not you friend,
I never was.
I said wait, I'm gonna give it a break.
I'm not your friend,
I never was.

Maybe this is why all assholes in Texas seem to drive trucks and SUV's...

Christopher Walken is everywhere...

Streaker on Local News.

Poor Dawn Scott looks so confused...

"...stop writing those stupid little sport stories theyre boring and i don't want to read them."

And just why are you reading this shit??

Anyway check back Thursday after the Mavs play the Rockets.

Just kidding!!

Thank you for being in life for me.
Your Jungle Love,

p.s. - I wasn't kidding.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003


Allright!! Kikkoman in English!!!
Still doesn't make a lotta sense...

I don't know why you'd want to watch it, but there's even a cleaned up version of Kikkoman where he doesn't hang the kitty...

And here's the original in large screen...

Put up a link to Bob's Blog; Bob has the biggest sports brain in the metroplex. Be sure to check out the main page at, scroll down, on the right, my masterpiece "Uncle Gary" animated gif has graced the front page for almost two months now. Yeah, I'm big time.

Monday, November 10, 2003


This may be in Japanese, but it can still confuse the hell out of you.

I wish someone could explain to me why in the hell he hangs the kitty...

Almost forgot.

Cowboys: 7-2, biotch!!

Friday, November 07, 2003

Damn, I can't wait to get up and go to work in a few hours...

Papa Smurf, can I lick yo ass???

Another one that never gets old.

"Oh, man. I have no idea what's goin on right now...."

Thursday, November 06, 2003

If you haven't already, GO BUY CKY 4 NOW!!!

It's worth the price alone to see Bam and Jenn's "Home Video".....

Props to Jas for recommending the new Outkast video (well, new to ME), I know I haven't been watching much non sports-related TV lately; it's even better than you described...

Pointless Animated Violence!!!

No matter how many times I see this, it's still great...

-Hey, Sancho, that’s a nice popcorn maker, does it have a name?

-Yes, his name is El Burro.

A middle aged women decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and ask the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a Drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "OK!!, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay, okay, old am I?

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible. How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Pelvic Power Lifting??

Okay, so this chick has a blog where she posts random naked pics of herself, but the real meat and potatoes of this site lie in the comments. Apparently she's decided not to ban any IP's, and let the good times ensue. Here's a sample after a random topless picture:

It was some perv. not the therapist. Your boobs a re great, but keep them in. Write instead..journal all your thoughts , real ones, don't hide them. See how they change everyday., let the real stuff out and let me know what you want to sign up for, love mom, ox
Mom | 10.21.03 - 4:00 pm | #


Dude, I can't follow a comment from your mom, Raymi. Ummm...Hi Raymi's mom.
Kevynn Malone | Email | Homepage | 10.21.03 - 4:57 pm | #


my mom is so gay.
raymi | 10.21.03 - 5:03 pm | #


don't listen to your mom
I haven't seen her tits in years

You have come to realize the power
of having cute titties
Take advantage of it

Let me know if you need any money

Love ya
Dad | Email | 10.21.03 - 8:13 pm | #


I have to agree with your dad, you have very cute titties.
Me | 10.21.03 - 8:50 pm | #


Why? Why? Why?
Mom | 10.21.03 - 9:59 pm | #


sup, this really isn't contraversial or outlandish if you havent seen breasts before or are somehow shocked, well, don't be. It's the human form always beautiful always different, your lack of embarrassment gives away your relatively open perspective on life, kick ass, take names. not necesssarily in that order. fuck em' if they can't take a joke. apologies for syntax
Effigy | Email | 10.21.03 - 11:11 pm | #


?Are you losing weight
.You look thinner

.The satiated brain works more swiftly
The satiated body tastes more
MMM, hamburger! | 10.22.03 - 1:18 am | #


Are you losing weight?
You look thinner.

The satiated mind thinks more swiftly.
The satiated body tastes more crispy.
MMM, hamburger! | 10.22.03 - 1:21 am | #


twice with a slight difference.
Why you ask.
My reply:
MMM, Hamburger!
hmmmm | 10.22.03 - 1:23 am | #


I dig what you do. Not just because you take candid photos of yourself, but because you live a life most people don't. I apologize for finally "jocking" you under a photo of your naked body.
Johnny F. | Email | 10.22.03 - 4:33 am | #


yes. you're very attractive, with a great body, anyone who has seen your site knows that. But I'm with mom. You write well, let's pry into your brain again.
Anonymous | 10.22.03 - 6:49 am | #


this reminds me of the time when people farts on crackers

looks sexy in a muscles man shirt

its phunie seeing all teh preverts come out and drool every where

silly preverts
RN | Email | Homepage | 10.22.03 - 9:37 am | #


So If I comment now I'm a pervert
I can live with that
boz | Homepage | 10.22.03 - 7:10 pm | #


Hey Raymi

I love it when you leave
the blinds open
Your neighbor | 10.22.03 - 8:12 pm | #


Keep your blinds shut !
Mom | 10.23.03 - 9:46 am | #


nice leg warmers (?)
science | Email | Homepage | 10.23.03 - 6:11 pm | #


I see boobs! Huzzah!
Agatha | Email | Homepage | 10.24.03 - 1:53 pm | #


You R so HOT
Talk about some lez experiences
You go both ways. right?
Love ya!
Fuzz Bumper | Email | 10.24.03 - 2:02 pm | #


Isn't calling your mom gay a hate crime in canada?
Eric | Email | 10.24.03 - 4:49 pm | #


what? that sentence doesnt make any sense.
raymi | 10.24.03 - 8:50 pm | #


did it ever occur to you that you are not attractive?
phony name | Email | 10.25.03 - 2:11 am | #


When will you become a B-movie actress?
... You are missing your true, drama queen calling!?
Richard Cheney | Email | Homepage | 10.25.03 - 1:46 pm | #


You can write about the people you met with me last night. Whats your insight? Can you please at least take down the middle photo. I don't know quite what you are doing in it. But you look like your not even sure yourself. so lets take it down. mom knows best. ox
Mom | 10.25.03 - 1:52 pm | #


I think your tits are shrinking, but it could just be my eyes.
Chris | Email | 10.25.03 - 6:21 pm | #


sepia suits you
marco | 10.25.03 - 9:01 pm | #


Don't listen to your mom
Dad | Email | 10.26.03 - 12:31 am | #


I burn with desire for you. Or perhaps that's just chafing. I really should moisturize. Love and alpha-hydroxies
sir,toyou | Email | 10.26.03 - 2:09 am | #


is it just me or does it look like you only have one leg in the first picture?
Princess | 10.26.03 - 10:50 am | #


some wierd fucks on here, you topping the list raymi. you should get out of canada, ney off the continent. too many 3 inch penised chain smoking meth addicts in my midst. maybe you could distract them while I run for it.BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
mountaingoat | Email | 10.26.03 - 11:13 am | #


.yes its Parkdale allright
?when we gonna hook up

Superjudge | Email | 10.26.03 - 6:46 pm | #


canada = the way of the future.

but this is the single most fucked-up commenting shit i have ever seen. evar. what the hell is going on here, raymi. enquiring minds need to know!

you're mom's right.

but then i'm only saying that b/c i was too broke to afford a digital camera when i was blogging or my site would probably (have) look(ed) a lot like yourn.

isaac | Email | Homepage | 10.27.03 - 1:45 am | #


People should at least be witty when they're hatin'.
Do whatever you want.
Trevor | Email | Homepage | 10.27.03 - 4:00 am | #


Every body was kung-fu fighting, then the teacher told them to sit. Immediately post of that, the kung-fu renewd at an even feircer pace, causing concern among the gods. "We must stop this they said." Much to the great dismay of the aforementioned kung-fu fighters
Effigy | Email | 10.27.03 - 10:05 pm | #


damn. . .spelled fierce wrong
Effigy | Email | 10.27.03 - 10:05 pm | #


middle picture looks like you fell down the stairs with such tremendous force the clothes FLEW right off your body.

and yet you did not spill a drop of Jack Daniels

phi. | Homepage | 10.28.03 - 5:36 pm | #


raymi | 10.29.03 - 2:49 pm | #


Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Hold me closer Tony Danza,
Count the headlights on the highway...

Monday, November 03, 2003

Okay, the MP3 that played at start-up is gone, so the for the 3 of you left out there on dial-up the page will now load about 30 minutes faster.


This is really good, and can be found here.


Things I Hate/Why Certain People Should Die.

---boy bands. first of all, you don't write your own songs. second of all, don't you think it's kind of creepy and weird that all of your fans are 8 to 12 year-old girls who worship you... and you're like... 30? if you don't, you are sick motherfuckers. stop seducing young girls and stop remaking old songs. you all should have been on that plane, not Buddy Holly.

---people who drive Hummers. you are not fighting in a war on the fucking expressway. you taking up 18 lanes is pissing everyone off. you don't need bulletproof windows unless you are in a war, in the Mafia, or in a gang. if you spent that much on such a horrible vehicle (money that could have been used to buy things for less fortunate people or even your own family) then you obviously have a mental deficiency and should be institutionalized, and your godforsaken vehicle destroyed.

---Dr. Laura. you aren't a doctor, and all you do is criticize everything and contradict yourself. modern medicine is shameful because of you. die a painful death.

---people who say they are sorry for stupid things out of their control, when everyone knows they aren't sorry and they never will be. they need to get eaten by giant slugs from Jupiter.

---white rich boys from the heart of suburbia who think for some bizarre and unsettling reason that they are black. you aren't a rapper and never will be. you didn't grow up in da' hood and you have a low rider car with hot rims because your parents bought it for you. you should be beaten to death by black people. and me.

---people who say that rapists and child molesters are mentally ill and should not be jailed, but instead treated. rapists are sick fuckers. they are aware of everything they are doing, and they happen to have a sick, sick fetish. they should be given the chair for ruining people's lives.

---kids who dress in all black, buy mass-produced clothing and accessories from stores like Hot Topic that say witty things like "death to preppies" and such. you're not different. stop feigning depression and loathing for mankind when you are only following a trend like every other pathetic loser. punk is dead. you should be too.

---protestors waving huge signs and tearing down people's beliefs at anything. one: if your life is so utterly empty that you have the time to stand around for hours on a street corner and yell at people, you should have been aborted. two: no one fucking likes you, and you don't seem to give two shits because you're so caught up in forcing everyone to think like you. again, you should have been aborted.

---people who insist that Tupac, Elvis, and Jim Morrison are all alive. I need not say anything else other than you need lives. all of you.

---people who park in 2 parking spaces deliberately so that no other cars come close to theirs. guess what? next time you do that, I'm purposely squeezing the car I am driving into the little bit of parking space next to your car and hopefully ruining your precious vehicle. you should not have a license.... to live.

---the movie "It's a Wonderful Life". it's not a wonderful life, and the world really wouldn't be that different if you were dead. stop making such smug movies and giving people hope that they matter. death to thee.

---when people say "don't hate", because without any hate there would be no extreme comparison and therefore no love. there are ways to hate constructively - by not killing people and protesting, but by writing and drawing, etc. fuck you, fucking hippies.

---parents who bring their kids to R-rated movies. if you can't get a babysitter, don't go out. if you go so far to bring your little kid to a movie filled with sex, profanity, and violence, you should have never given birth. in fact, you should have never been born yourself. fucking rent it and put the kid to bed.

---people who have to validate their existence by always putting themselves into pointless relationships. you don't need someone else to justify your life. just kill yourself.

---those who have absolutely no respect for anyone, especially authority, and think so highly of themselves when they really should be stabbed because they suck.

---adults who go trick-or-treating and try to say they are getting candy for the "baby at home". you are pathetic and babies shouldn't have candy. choke on your Starbursts and Gobstoppers.

---Utah Mormons. you are so far behind the rest of civilization, it's sick. not only do you force little girls into inbreeding, but you don't let women get jobs and you use them all as baby machines. fall off the face of the earth. and then die.

---George W. Bush. you put the entire coutry in danger because you wanted oil and to get back at the ass that tried to kill your dad. either get assassinated or choke on snack food.

---the census bureau people who actually put "Jedi Knight" as a religion on their forms. moreso, the people who check that as their religion on the form. it's a movie, you suck, and you need to be eaten by bears.

---anyone who thinks Hugh Grant is a talented actor. he plays the exact same role of a bumbling Englishman in every movie, and has little to no talent. set yourselves on fire for having such low standards.

---girls who go to tanning beds for every waking moment of their lives. you are orange, leathery, and unattractive. since you already probably have skin cancer, let's just hope it's long and painful for you, you orange freak.

---stupid selfish assholes who don't have a lot of money to begin with, and then have like, 8 kids. and then instead of buying their litter of children food, they buy drugs or perhaps a "hot car". and THEN they go on welfare and never look for a job. stop stealing our tax dollars and buy your kid some diapers, you douchebag.

---parents who murder their kids and then act all upset and GET AWAY WITH IT. I'm lookin' at you, John and Patsy. die. and. burn. in. hell.

---anyone who willingly moves to Tornado Alley, and then acts all shocked and upset when their house is destroyed. get sucked into a swirling vortex, moron.

---NAMBLA members. 12 year-old boys are neither old enough nor anywhere near mature enough to make smart decisions and choices about their own lives. you are all taking advantage of little boys who have barely hit puberty. join a priesthood, you disgusting freaks.

---teachers who make examples to their entire class of the "bad" kids and humiliate them. you are shattering someone's self-esteem. be boiled in acid.

---racist, sexist, dirty, buck-toothed, beer-guzzling, overall-wearing, cowboy-hat-toting, gun-carrying, gay-bashing, yeehah-shrieking, wife-beating LOSER REDNECKS who are the demise of our society. oh my god, you are all by far the worst people in America. please spontaneously combust.

---people who can't fathom the idea of sarcasm. start enjoying life, or commit suicide.

Disclaimer: If any of the above offends you, I'm not sorry. These are my opinions, and just as everyone else has a right to theirs, I have a right to voice mine. Besides, if you took half of this shit seriously, you should be dead. Fin.

Okay, so the background of the "content column" is signifigantly lighter, and the audio file that loads on start up is 50% smaller. When I figure out a way to stream the new Matrix movie before it hits theaters, I'll let you know.

Oh yeah...

Cowboys: 6-2, BIOTCH!!!

Sunday, November 02, 2003

So, I've got a pretty good grasp of Elements 2.0, so I figure, "Hey. Photoshop 7.0 - that'll be a breeze." Talk about a learning curve...


"Learning to use Adobe Photoshop is similar to learning to play an electric guitar; with a little instruction and a little practice, you can create some very pleasant art. Or, if you're really motivated, you can lock yourself in a closet with it for 12 years and emerge playing some amazing "chops." Most of us fall somewhere in between, and all of us have more to learn.

But the thing is, while few people are frightened by a guitar, many people find Photoshop intimidating.

- Jay J. Nelson
Design Tools Monthly


Today was my first opportunity to visit someone in a Correctional Facility. Wow, what an exciting experience. For some reason, my name had yet to be added to this month’s visitor list, so I instead got to spend my two hours hangin out in the lobby area of the Tarrant County Jail. Happy good times!

I was asked for money and cigarettes in English, Spanish, Ebonics, and some language I truly believe this one lady made up for her own personal use. And in dollar amounts ranging from “two dolares” (para el telefono), to “a fucking nickel” (from a homeless man who talked himself down from 50 cents in increments of five.) Maybe next time I'll try to dress down a little. Or perhaps I should attempt to look less "white"...

I did see a white girl with the frame of a girl who should weigh around 140, only she was probably pushin 175 thanks to her double D’s and ass that looked like it belonged to a 300 pound black woman, seriously, it stuck out like she had implants, or was wearing a diaper. Of course, she was there with a guy who looked just like Snoop Dogg; I was tempted to ask my nizzle just what the hell he's been feeding that girl..

Speaking of celebrity look-a-likes, I also saw Meatloaf, Ruben from American Idol, and Blue from Old School! I had to restrain myself from yelling out “You’re my boy, Blue!!”

My extremely long time in the line to place money in someone’s account was made a bit more interesting by a girl in a Michael Finley jersey who somewhat resembled a black Julia Stiles with long braided hair. Not sure how it started, but we had a nice little convo about the Cowboys game this afternoon, stupid penalties, Hambrick fumbles, few more stupid penalties, Terry Glenn’s acid trip during the first half, and poor Patrick Ramsey getting the living shit beat out of him. She seemed pretty cool, but after a while in line she began to time with her cellphone how long the people at the head of the line spent at the window. She finally determined that the ATSAW (Average Time Spent At Window) was two minutes. So, starting with 7 people in front of her, she informed me that she had 14 minutes left to wait, and I had 16. Two minutes later, she let me know that she had 12 minutes left to go, and I had 14. Two minutes later, well, you get the idea. All the way to zero and two. Happy fun fun. But hey, that’s the whole fun in talking to people in public, you just never know what you’re gonna get.

And oh yeah, I saw a real life midget too!!

Good times.

Roy Williams is a Bad Motherfucker.

Saturday, November 01, 2003


November is National Novel Writing Month!!
So, if you're interested, you should probably go write a novel.

And do it before December.

I called her from the payphone outside of Haley’s BBQ Pit. I was about half way there, and I still hadn’t told her I had left the house. That somewhere out there a cat was waiting for me. That I had been wishing for the last five years to be in California.

Fingers shaking, I dialed the phone. It’s always strange when you have trouble remembering your own phone number, but I never had to call home, since I was always there. The answering machine picked up.

“Hi, Mom. It’s Anna. I’m in California searching for the cat. Did you get my note on the fridge?” I hung up because there was nothing left to say.

It’s 9pm Friday night by the time I finally got there and pulled into Danielle’s driveway. She’s the one that told me about the cat. That I just had to see it. I had never met her, but there’s no reason to be scared of first times. I’ve been writing letters to her since I was nine years old. Some elementary school pen pal system, and she ended up being more of a friend than my friends there in Texas.

The street was quiet except for the low thud of music coming from her house. Both sides of the street were lined with cars. Funny, how her driveway was open just for me. When I knocked on the door she opened and yells in my face, just how I was expecting. I had grown used to her wild rants and the fast life she was leading her in Los Angeles.

“Anna! Anna! Here have these,” she said, pushing a bag of blue pills into my hand. “Trust me.” She winked and then told me to mingle. Instead, I took a handful of the pills with water from the bathroom sink, and found the first empty bed.

It’s just how I thought it would be. Harry stood on the corner and the cat was dressed in a doll’s polka dot dress sitting on an upturned milk crate. He’s spoon feeding her Frisky’s from a plastic spork. The sign on the crate read: “Welcome to Harry’s Fabulous Psychic Cat. She Sees the Future for $10.” Danielle nudged me closer and points to the rope where it’s tied to the crate.

“We have to save it.” She looked at me, eyes big and bloodshot from last night’s party. “You have to save it.”

This was my second wish. I was in California and I was saving the psychic cat. It happened so fast that I don’t remember it happening at all. Danielle punched Harry in the ear, not hard enough to knock him out, but hard enough to where he stumbles back and I picked up the cat and ran to the car. Now, that I had the cat there’s nothing else I could think of that could make this any better. I stared at Danielle.

“What next? We’ve got the cat.” I looked at her while holding the cat tightly in my arms. She’s purring and this seems to be just how I would have pictured it in my dreams.

“I don’t know. Ask the cat. She’s the psychic.” She laughed, but her laugh is loud and for a few minutes I can’t hear the music on the radio.

I figured I had nothing to lose. I looked right into the cat’s green eyes and asked the question. “What next?” She stopped purring and her eyes glazed over like she’s thinking really hard. I got scared that maybe I did something wrong, but just then she meowed. It sounded like something. A name, maybe.
“Welch?” I asked. Pyschic cat purred loudly. “So, Danielle. We are supposed to find Welch. Whatever that is.” Danielle laughed again and I couldn’t help but laugh, too.

That night we dressed in glitter, stilettos, low slung jeans and tight shirts. Psychic cat purred as she watched us. We were ready to be seen. Danielle liked making a scene wherever she went, and everyone knew her, so they played along. This Welch was still on the back of my mind. Maybe it was just a hairball in the back of her throat. This was nothing. I wished I could find it.

There was no place where we were turned down. She got behind any door or beyond the silk red ropes like they merely pieces of cotton candy floss. We bar hopped the whole night, getting rides with strangers and with acquaintances. The boys were too intimidated to say no or to make a first move. We weren’t there for them, and they knew it. Danielle would line boys up at the bar and they would buy her drinks, no questions asked. I sat next to her and would write poetry on cocktail napkins, keeping one eye open for Welch. I’m sure it would come to me, pointed out to me with a flow of bright light.

“Over there, Anna. Over there. He’s your type,” Danielle pointed to a boy with blonde hair standing by the wall. There were several boys surrounding him, and I figured he would not be interested in me. “Just go say hello. Just go.” She pushed me off the stool and I could feel her eyes burning holes in my back.

He looked bored and the guy next to him was asking him question after question. He rolled his eyes, hands in his pockets. He looked how I felt – misplaced. He caught me staring at him, quickly turning his head and staring back at the floor again. Another man approached him with a cup of beer, which he took, without a smile or thank you.

“What no manners?” I asked, approaching him.

“Not for him, the asshole. I just let them buy me drinks. I don’t even know why I’m here.” He took another sip from his beer.

“Then come with us if you want, we’re leaving soon.” I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.

I could see that he was interested as he seemed to really look at me then. “Okay,” he said, following me back to Danielle.

“So, people call me Welch,” he said to us in the booth at Denny’s. I was sobering Danielle up with any amount of food I could get past her lips. She was sucking down coffee like it was her blood.

“The psychic cat, man. The psychic cat was right.” Danielle shouted, waving her arms around. “We have found Welch.”

I elbowed Danielle and smiled back at him. “We rescued the psychic cat. He told me to find you.”

He just nodded. “I know.”


Pure genius.

I think.

Courtesy of The Hipster Brigade.


by Edweird

early morning traffic jam

nothing on the radio

temperature rising

i think i probably could have done a better job wiping my ass this morning

days like this are happening more frequently

more and more time sitting in hot traffic in dead silence

with my greasy rectum to keep me company

it's time i thought about moving to the country

becoming a lumberjack

or something

maybe i just need softer toilet paper

life is full of decisions