Monday, December 29, 2003

FUCK YOU AND YOUR H2!



Ha! FUH2.com is awesome!

Okay, maybe your milkshake is better than mine...

Sunday, December 28, 2003

The Best Comeback I’ve Heard All Week

“I’ll be right black.”

“Um, okay. I’ll be white here.”

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Columbine Paintball

"We have re-created an indoor paintball areana with the Columbine High-School layout so you can re-live as closely as possible what the teachers, students, SWAT team and the Trench Coat Mafia experienced in the Columbine High-School shooting.

Live the experience by paintball. Columbine PaintBall has it! It's here! It's done! Play paintball in remembrance of the Columbine Shooting."

Celebrity Jeopardy?

So I've been told that Jeopardy link doesn't stream too well, so here's a page with every SNL Celeb Jeopardy sketch ever aired, you might want to right click and 'save target as.'

JENN RIVELL IS HOT


Jenn Rivell is hot. It’s official. We finally saw Haggard tonight, and if you haven’t, and if you have two hours to waste, and if you already think that Jenn is pretty hot, it’s probably worth your time and your fifteen bucks to check it out. We also watched Swingers, and if you wanna talk about exestentialist realism pointed towards poignant realism magnified by the duplicity of algebraic realism looking downwards upon the sheer downright simplicity of complicated combo meals and the concept of art imitating my so called wife, then ask me about that on Monday. But anyway, in case I haven’t forced you to watch my “stupid skateboard guy movies,” this here is an okay collection of Jenn pics, they just don’t do her justice, in one pic she looks like the Noxema girl on crack, and in another she looks like a young Hillary Clinton, but take my word for it, she’s hot. You can kinda see how her boobies suddenly pull a Britney. Towards the bottom of the page in the Amsterdam pics she looks way hot with black hair, she even flashes the new set that Bam bought her, but ya gotta see the movie to see how nice they really are. You might wanna go get it soon before it gets edited out, same with CKY4; I heard they already edited out a buncha segments including Skeletor vs. Beastman… That’s just wrong… They also took out that kid in the blue robe that bounces his dingus at the end of CKY2K. Something about a lawsuit… Wow, watch how fast this turns into a CKY site overnight...

But yeah, if not for Jenn topless or in her panties, it’s probably worth a view for the scarce footage of RAAB Himself. And K-Will's got my back.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Christmas in the Matrix

Now this is just silly...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

CKY on the Craig Kilborn Show



WATCH IT


CKY was on the Late Show with Craig Kilborn a while back, and I was so pissed I missed it. You can see the video here, and it's real high-quality, so you can just about watch it full screen, and they sound really good live. I found it at this guy's site, so you should go there and tell him how much he rules for ripping it and hosting it. FuCKYrs.

Who gets the flu twice in one month? Seriously? I realize there are different strains and shit and it’s real bad and shit and really bad in Texas and shit, but c’mon. It’s Christmas, for fuck’s sake. Before this year I’d had the flu like once or twice in my entire life. That just ain’t fair. And nobody likes my new haircut. What a week. At least I don’t have Mad Cow.

Merry Christmas.

And fuck whoever invented the flu, because he sucks.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Mobile Asses.com


The real reason guys have camera phones.

Ron Mastry announces UNT's bowl bid under the influence of Robitussin.

Fart Within The Matrix



I got to level three, and then my head started to hurt. I should be trying to figure this stuff out when I'm at work. Getting paid for it.

Outkast

Hey Ya

The Way You Move

Sunday, December 21, 2003

DRINK MORE WATER



I promise I will drink more water from now on. Water is good for me, this I know, I know because the doctor told me so. He also tells me I drink too much alcohol.

So last night we hit up downtown Fort Worth, lotta drinking, and I end up crashing on the floor at Matt & Kevin’s place, good good. About noon I wake up and I wanted to scream. I’ve got this pain in my lower back on the left side that feels like someone’s stabbing me and just twisting the knife around. Like really really bad. So I’m thinking maybe I just slept like a drunk retard in some drunk retarded position on the floor and strained my back, I’ve woke up in pain before, just never like this. So hey, I’ve got three ultracets left back at home from my ankle, maybe I just need to go home and down those and sleep in a comfy bed. Man, I could barely fucking make it home, I almost had to pull over it hurt so bad. So I get home, take my meds and lay down, and immediately there’s a little bit of relief. I’m thinkin okay, maybe I’m just a big pussy and I pulled a muscle in my back, after all yesterday was the first day I played ball since the phantom ankle fracture.

I actually dozed off for about fifteen minutes, only to wake up and actually scream this time. This just about trumps any pain I’ve ever had before, I can barely walk, and when I do I’m all hunchbacked and moaning and whining. I look ridiculous. So Susan drives me to the ER, where I wait. And then wait some more. I’m in more pain, and I’m more moany whiny and hunchbacky. While waiting we’re discussing the possibility of alcohol poisoning, so I go to the bathroom and force myself to puke, and I’ll be a son of a fuck, I feel much better. So I’m all, “fuck this place, this people are dicks, I’ll be fine, screw you guys I’m going home.”

Wow, am I a genius. Practically the second I step inside the door at home it’s on again, about twice as bad as before.

Soooo…… Back in the car, back to the hospital, Hi remember me, I’m the guy that walked out and gave you all evil looks. Thankfully no wait this time, get me in a gay little gown, stick an IV in me, drain me of like two gallons of blood, and take my fucking credit card right there in the bed, yeah I’d like to start a tab.

But then it’s morphine time. And it takes me away to a better place, and I know that everything, know that everything, know that everything, everything’s gonna be fine. Wow. Heaven holds a sense of wonder, a distant ship’s smoke on the horizon, all wrapped up in one. Flash forward a couple hours and I’m all “I got to ride the CAT scan!! Woo Woo!!”

Now they’re telling me that my symptoms suggest that I might be passing a kidney stone, but the CAT scan didn’t show anything. Just please don’t tell me I’m pregnant.

So for my next trick, I let some guy who really didn’t want to be at work today inject me with a dye that will show up better on the x-rays, so now I have a glow in the dark urinary track. I asked the nurse if I could get a black light and flop my weiner around, but she said no.

The next two hours consist of me lying on a hard metal bed while they take five thousand and one x-rays. Score one for nuclear radiology. Short while later the Doc comes to tell me that yep, I’ve got a kidney stone the size of a pea, only it’s not smooth like a pea, it’s probably a jagged little sharp pain-inducing evil terrorist pea. This little suicide bomber’s been working it’s way down some tiny tube connected to my kidney, just scraping the fuck out of it and causing my labor pains and muscle spasms. He says it’s almost run it’s course and I should pass it in a few hours. Believe you me, I can’t wait. He said that once it reaches my bladder it’s likely to break up into much smaller pieces, possibly too small to be seen. I don’t care if I can see them or not, they just better be too small to feel.

So what causes these little devil stones to torture people like they do? Well I learned that diet plays a large in doing so. The two dietary factors that uh, stood out the most to me had to be dehydration and binge drinking. Ha! Say hello to my new lil friend, Water. Agua, giver of life, quencher of thirst, coolant of radiators. High quality H20, how I love you.

So for parting gifts I get a bottle of vicodin and a bottle with a strainer on top to piss in to try to catch myself a souvenir. I mean it might be kinda cool to have some big kidney stone that you passed through your system, I could name it, maybe I could buy it it’s own Malibu Kidney Stone Dream House, but I’d really rather not. I’d rather this get over with without me knowing about it, seeing it, and most definitely feeling it. If I ever saw some big bloody Grape-nut come out of my dick I’d probably pass out and piss all over myself.

I’ve been home for a while now, and still no Grape-nut. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Indications Saddam Was Not in Hiding But a Captive

Hours of trippy shit.

Make Your Own South Park Character


Here.

Below Me

Celebrity Jeopardy!!

Hypothermia.
Strange...

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Ding Fries Are Done...

It just wouldn't be Christmas without the Burger King Song....

PLEASE DON’T PISS IN THE MOVIE THEATER


So last night we were at the movies, and some guy in front of us was actually so fucked up that he stood up and whipped out his crank and started pissin everywhere…
I’ve had movies ruined by people talking, or babies crying, even the occasional fat guy with bad gas, but this was a definite first.

Monday, December 15, 2003

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Full House

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Kollaboration

This is how we used to dance back in Iowa.

The Erection Collection



Found here. Order now for Christmas delivery!

Bandwidth Limit Exceeded
"The server is temporarily unable to service your request due to the site owner reaching his/her bandwidth limit. Please try again later." Little red X's suck...

Britney Spears

This is freaky. Interesting, but scary.

Friday, December 12, 2003

I know, I know...

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Q. What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

A. Christopher Walken.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

AMERICAN HISTORY X

In 30 Seconds.


Complete with stick figures and a rockin soundtrack.

Ode to Pharmaceutical Narcotics



Ode to Pharmaceutical Narcotics.

Money. Thanks to Raymitheminx.

Zurich's True Beauty

Quite possibly the coolest blog I've ever seen.


NSFW

This gives me a headache.

"I told u I was hardcore."

Remember the kid that OD'd in the chatroom on his webcam? If you don't the story's here. This fucking kid downed "large doses of Klonopin, Methadone, Restoril and Inderal, along with marijuana and 151-proof rum." You can read the transcript of the chat convo here. His screen name is "ripper".

Monday, December 08, 2003

Tech help needed

Microsoft sucks, period. Suddenly IE is no longer able to open any links that appear in a new window, and Microsoft's lame ass help page is anything but help. Stopping and reloading works, but this still makes most java enabled windows useless. Microsoft can suck my furry, Mexican asshole. Wait.. Well, if I were Mexican they sure as fuck could. I guess from now on I'll be using Mozilla.

Update: Problem solved, thanks to this. Microsoft can still suck my balls. And Mozilla is slow.

The story of John and his quest to get someone to check his credit card signature.

Do You Like Donuts?

Because the donuts hate you...

Music News

Ya know that song, "How did you get here? Nobody's supposed to be here??" That song is way funnier if you imagine she's taking a crap while she's singing it.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Hiatus Extended

I'll be back Monday or Tuesday. Until then, here's a picture of a rabbit with a pancake on its head: