Friday, January 30, 2004

Lard
You can see it
In the clouds up in the sky

Lard
Floats by in clusters
In our water supply

Lard
It's all of us, man
In our pores and in our hair

Lard's
What we conceal
With these corny clothes we wear

Lard is all
Lard is divine
Lard is control
Lard whips and chains our soul

Lard, We carry credit cards
Lard, We live in fear of art

Lard is the OM
Lard is revolution
Lard is the tapeworm
In the bottle of cheap tequila
That comes alive at night
And sneaks up
And bites your nipple

Lard
Lard

Nowadays, most of us need someone
To run our personal life
Someone to see that
The plants are watered,
Someone to make sure the place is clean,
Someone to make sure dinner is waiting,
Someone to call for theater tickets,
Someone to make up those cheap excuses

What we need is

Lard, The answer
Lard, The dancer
Lard, The ointment
Lard, The dream

Absorb it
Inflame it
Respect it
Molest it

The country right now just wants to be
Soothed, and told it doesn't have to pay or
Sacrifice or learn
No one is over the hill
When the mountain comes to Mohammed

Lard
Lard
Lard

Lard, We love to eat
Lard, We love to pray
Lard, Mold over mind
Lard, Hooray

Every time I take a crap
It's a cosmic experience

Religion and chemicals
Are the key to the future

Next time we have sex
Just pretend I'm Steve Nash

The weasels have it down, man
It's a whole new age

Lard

Which would you prefer
A computer or a gun

The sharks out lived the dinosaurs, you know

Pity the poor trainer
In the stable when the race horse farts

Poison oak really is
The aphrodisiac of the Gods

When people are asleep
We must all become alarm clocks

Hey, man
Life is my college

It's Dental Floss of the mind
Who will babysit the babysitters

Ever hear about that guy in New York whose dick
Fell off in the bath after he shot it full of coke

It's OK to run out of butter in Zambia
Just smear squashed caterpillars on your toast

Waiter, there's a terrorist in my soup
Which came first- the chicken or the egg

Are you a man or are you a mouse
If you love your fun- Die for it

And feel
The Power of Lard
The Power of Lard
The Power of Lard
The Power of Lard

The 28-Hour Day

Some things to note:

- On the 28-hour day graph, there is no Monday.
- Thursday's work period occurs in darkness, but sets you up for a sun-drenched weekend.
- Your 40-hours of work start at the same time on both the 24 and 28 hour day graphs, but on the 28 hour day graph, your work for the week is over sooner, leaving you with a longer weekend.
- Every day is different. Since waking and sleeping is not synchronized to light and dark, each day of the week has its own unique character. This will aid your memory in distinguishing one day from another.
- Sleeping late on the weekends doesn't cause you to miss daylight.


The Amazing, 56-hour, Sun-drenched Weekend.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday are offset in a way that gives you maximum daytime in your free hours. Wake up Friday just as the sun is setting. Work your 10 hour day and when you leave, the sun is just rising. Since it's Friday, your last day of work for the week, you decide to stay up a little late. From the time you leave work until the time you go to bed, it's light out.
You wake up the next day a little late, (after all, you were up late the day before enjoying the daylight.) You sleep two hours past your usual wake up time and the sun is just about to come up. You enjoy an 18-20 hour day, (more than half of it is light) and go to sleep several hours after sunset.

On Sunday, you wake up (again, a few hours later than normal) with the sunrise and enjoy a relatively "normal" day. On Tuesday, because you wake up early (regular time) you wake up at sunrise again. There was no Monday.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Ask Brandon Dicamillo Anything

"Bran I luv you! Why did Jackass suck so bad? Why are you going bald so quick? Why do you hang out with Flakeyohn?"

Anyways, it's still an interesting read if you're a fan.

Father Tucker, the Child Fucker

WOW, now this is REALLY offensive...

Howard Dean Remix!!!

Remix of Howard Dean's psycho speech with his insane laugh. (MP3 - 750K). Too funny. Thanks to The Ticket.

Horrible shit pains you will feel when I serve you my Genaral Tsau meal…

When I give you the fucking thing, you will scream and you’ll think you have to ring a fucking bell to complain. Bitch? What was ya name? Darren? I don’t care about that, you’re insane.

Chicken chow what? And beef lo mien; got dat shit so don’t complain.

Hot damn, how wow, so kung pow, spicy ass shit - shit it out in a towel. Made of ice with my asshole twice, I give it to you all fucking night.

Meeeooww!! Meow like a cat, and fuck a dog, I cook ‘em both up, and put ‘em on a platter and give you a log, a log is a bill, a log is a cheap Chinese chicken chew.

Yooooowww, lemme feel dat flow, lemme give it to you solo

And if you want cheese steak; Get the fuck out! Cause we don’t got dat shit we got wing wow, yeah! You gotta shit anyhow, egg fu yong, and poo-poo platta on yo’ mom get it anyway you want, serve it up or just get the fuck out cunt, ahhh!!

Doong chow, gung tse tsu ma, lemme give a tip for you all, and when I come through, I show you how to do, the shit I serve up clean to you, ho

All of a sudden, I’m on da fuckin cover, and I feel like an eggroll’s comin’ for my meal, I’m pullin’ somethin’ out, and puttin’ somethin’ in, and now it’s pouring all over Quite Lo Chin

Yes, Quite Lo got it pourin’ dow da face, and we all fucking laugh in a way and we talk another language, that they just don’t know, and I talk shit to yo ho!!

Hey! Look at you bitch, shut the fuck up! That’s what I say, now I refill your cup with another bit of piss tea, that’s what I give you, piss milk from me, twist my titties.

Hot damn! Here’s a sword man! Let me cut off your ass, I send it back to Japan, FedEx next day. Now your ass fucking gay!! Yes!

You bend over and must obey, these are the words Rake Yohn will say: Ho now! Ho hey! That’s where we got to give this away…

I am the smartest man alive!!

In an effort to stay hydrated, I've decided to start using Powerade as a chaser.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Things Overheard At The STD Clinic

by Paul Demko


The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiance and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

Found here.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

There is history in this place.
There are dragons to be chased.
And though I don't know who you are;
An easy flow, and a strong, a strong heart,
And the charm in the way you hide...
Gently take my skull for a ride.
And I don't know who you are,
But I know what I would like you to be;
A one-night stand under stoned persuasion,
But a joy that I can't hide...
Gently take my skull for a ride.
We can never ever go too far;
The pain we can't escape at least will wait.
So let's go quickly, no we go slow;
Let's go chasing dragons through the snow.
Kindly take my all,
And give me all you have...
Gently take my skull for a ride.
Take and shake your soul,
But never lose control.
Gently take your skull for a ride.

Friday, January 16, 2004

BLACKOUT LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Definite Must Read.

REAL MEN OF GENIUS

Damn, I fucking love those commercials! This site has every single one in mp3 format. Don't think I'm not making a CD right now...

You can't get ye flask!

Aicha!

I really don't know whether this is supposed to be funny or not...

The 86 Rules of Boozing

Lost E.T. Footage

I'd said what I'd said that I'd tell ya
And that you'd killed the better part of me
If you could just milk it for everything
I've said what I'd said and you know what I mean
But I still can't focus on anything
We kiss on the mouth but still cough down our sleeves
Travelling swallowing dramamine
Look at your face like you're killed in a dream
And you think you've figured out everything
I think I know my geometry pretty damn well
You say what you need so you'll get more
If you could just milk it for everything
I've said what I said and you know what I mean
But I can't still focus on anything

More strange foreign television. Japanese girl breaks chopsticks with her ass.

Note to the bitch driving the blue Explorer with personalized Ohio license plates that read "SURFN RN" through Watauga, TX this evening: Learn how to drive, you spastic cunt.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

How The Internet Made My Life Better

Jenn Rivell is Popular

Enough people seem to come here for Jenn Rivell pics, so here is a ZIP FILE with all the pics from that message board, even the ones that are down now.

Monday, January 12, 2004

Dear Girl
But anyways, damn girl, how’s your mama? I just dumped my pregnant girlfriend, so I’m not a father.

Name That Man-Breast

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

I'm through with illusions just delusions for now
I've took a step to the edge but I’ve been walking for miles
It was a very temporary waste of time
Is there really such a thing as a waste of time?
Can't let myself be restrained
Let perceptions be so torn
Kill confusion by killing options
Burn no bridges to stay warm
Can't keep running from the rain
Can't live my life on the edge of the storm
Kill confusion by killing options
Burn no bridges to stay warm.
I'm sick of emotions always tearing the inside
Watching things crumble, letting all things slide,
A very temporary waste of time,
Is this really such a thing as a waste of time?


Tuesday, January 06, 2004

It's a Fact!

All Chinese people talk like Snoop Dogg when we're not around.

Drinking Games At Work

I'm seriously considering bringing a flask to work tomorrow and doing a shot every time someone feels the need to inform me that it's cold outside. I'd be plastered by 10 a.m.

Monday, January 05, 2004

The Cog

This commercial is so fucking cool...

Don't ask me why I said it..... Because I already forgot.

Thursday, January 01, 2004

RATS ON COCAINE


WATCH

Ain't this peaceful?

All Your Tourist

Someone took that All Your Base thing and put the Tourist Guy in it. Good stuff. Original All Your Base thing here.

More

More, by Mark Osborne, the original short-film used in Kenna's Hell Bent video.

YATTA!!!

Cowboy Dingus
Another link to that WFAA Video, in case you missed it the first time.