Sunday, February 29, 2004

Powered by audblogaudio post powered by audblog

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

And other gems from the genius mind of Steven Wright.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.


If you never click on the link on the left to check out Raymitheminx, posts like this are why you should.

she is the rain

all i ever do is think about how i feel, and all i ever feel is terrible

i lose everything

i am told that if you resist the natural urge to come to the surface for air, drowning is the least painful method of death that there is

in the meantime, i could withdraw to my room, could hide and sleep as if i were dead

i don't know if i'm running because i'm scared or if i'm scared because i'm running

be careful of your heart

by then, i was a perfect weirdo by any standard

ice cubes and icebergs and ice floes and ice statues, where a girl use to be

i wanted so very badly to write a book that felt as bad as it feels to feel this bad

Depression is a very narcissistic thing, it's a self-involvement that is so deep and intense that it means the sufferer cannot get out of her own head long enough to see what real good, what genuine loveliness, there is in the world around her

a child who has gone blank

high on tequila and seeing visions of vineyards in my dreams

Feliz martes gordo, bendejos!

Thursday, February 19, 2004

EBAY!!!

Andy46477 left the GREATEST feedback comments EVER!!! A++++++!

Fucking BMW Drivers

My Miserable Life

Great read. Here's a small sample:

I have sex with my stuffed animal penguins (1/1/00) - Darson, Texas, Age 21

First off I am schizophrenic. I am a fat nasty dike!!! I used to be sexy and a huge slut at that. But since the death of the last person on Earth to know I exist, my dad, who fucked me every night since I was 10 without my mom ever knowing about it, I have eaten my way out of the misery. Now, with no friends, no family, no money, I just found out I am pregnant with my dead dad's baby. Now to keep my self occupied I bite my toenails nervously and pleasure my self with a candle stick while indulging in my penguin fetish. Humans don't like me... at least I cant get dumped by a penguin! My life is so pathetic I have sex with my stuffed animal penguins. I am 21 I should be out having fun in bars , but I am afraid. My therapist does all my shopping and things that require seeing humans.

Maxim Should Be Ashamed

FUCKING USA!!!

Anti-American propaganda video supposedly shown on Korean and Japanese television. Very interesting.

Figure out your weight in beer.

ICEDOUTGEAR.COM
Complete with spinning rim belt buckles!!

Ring Of Fire
Advertisers actually wanted to use that old Johnny Cash song to sell haemorrhoid cream.
"And it burns, burns, burns..."

NIPPLES ARE EVERYTHING

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

This Week's Sign of The Apocalypse

Tickets for the "The Darkness" show at Trees sold out in 30 minutes.
Not that I wouldn't go if someone had an extra ticket...

New Scholarship For Whites Only

Absolute Greatness.

A student group at Roger Williams University is offering a new scholarship for which only white students are eligible, a move they say is designed to protest affirmative action.

The application for the $250 award requires an essay on "why you are proud of your white heritage" and a recent picture to "confirm whiteness."

"Evidence of bleaching will disqualify applicants," says the application, issued by the university's College Republicans.


Jason Mattera, 20, who is president of the College Republicans, said the group is parodying minority scholarships.

"We think that if you want to treat someone according to character and how well they achieve academically, then skin color shouldn't really be an option," he said. "Many people think that coming from a white background you're automatically privileged, you're automatically rich and your parents pay full tuition. That's just not the case."

Monday, February 16, 2004

Listening to the radio all day at work can sometimes become a beating, especially when you’re hearing the same Nickelback song for the tenth time but you’re too lazy to change the station and you know that even if you do, the next station over will be playing some other crap by Nickelback or Creed or some band that sounds just like them. Take this ass-raping of a song for example:

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you're not impressed,
While you put me to the test
I like the wine stains on your dress


Perhaps you can make your listening experience somewhat more bearable if you imagine that the lead singer is singing his lyrics lovingly to a scary fat man, perhaps dressed in a bunny suit. Or maybe he’s singing while trembling with fear, with tears flowing down his cheeks, fat man still in bunny suit, only now he has a whip. I don’t know, use your imagination.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Well, I was walking down the High Road
And this guy stops me
He'd just got in from New Zealand
And he was looking for mushy peas
I said, no, we hadn't really got 'em round here
I said, but we do got

Balti, Bhindi, strictly Hindi
Dall, Halal and I'm walking down the road
We got rocksoul, okra, bombay duck-ra
Shrimp beansprout, comes with it or without - with it or without
Bagels soft or simply harder
Exotic avocado or toxic empenada
We got akee, lassi, Somali waccy baccy
I'm sure back home you know what tikka's all about - what tikka's all about

Welcome stranger to the humble neighborhoods
You can get inspiration along the highroad

Hommus, cous cous in the jus of octopus
Pastrami and salami and lasagne on the go
Welcome stranger, there's no danger
Welcome to this humble neighborhood

There's Balti, Bhindi, strictly Hindi
Dall, Halal and I'm walking down the road
Rocksoul, okra, bombay duck-ra
Shrimp beansprout, comes with it or without

So anyway, I told him I was in a band
He said, "Oh yeah, oh yeah - what's your music like?"
I said, "It's um, um, well, it's kinda like
You know, it's got a bit of, um, you know."

Ragga, Bhangra, two-step Tanga
Mini-cab radio, music on the go
Um, surfbeat, backbeat, frontbeat, backseat
There's a bunch of players and they're really letting go
We got, Brit pop, hip hop, rockabilly, Lindy hop
Gaelic heavy metal fans fighting in the road
Ah, Sunday boozers for chewing gum users
They got a crazy D.J. and she's really letting go

Oh, welcome stranger
Welcome stranger to the humble neighborhoods

Saturday, February 14, 2004

It’s snowing.

In Texas.

I’m sorry, but there is no snow in Texas.

Just like there is no crying in baseball. There’s no “I” in team. There’s no raping the willing. There’s no Ahnold in The Pianist. There’s no flavor in rice patties. There's no GPS in a Kia. There’s no acting in Dude, Where’s My Car. There’s no black people in Highland Park.


And there is no goddamn snow in Texas.

Hey Valentines Day card recipient,
When you wake up in the bathtub, and your kidneys are missing, and I am five miles away, sweating feverishly behind the wheel of a stolen Volvo, will you think of me? Probably not because I carved out the memory parts of your brain too. Just kidding.
Love Gordon
PS No I’m not. Leave your Volvo unlocked.


Dear thief of my heart,
Valentines day makes me think of three things. The first thing is love. The kind of love that lasts a lifetime and sustains the soul. The other two things are your boobs. Now take your shirt off and try to relax.
Gordon

Friday, February 13, 2004

Fireworks

Go here to download a video of a fireworks factory on fire... Insane.



Check out WilliamHung.net, complete with remixes.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

LARRY BROWN vs. MARK CUBAN



LARRY BROWN: "Unfortunately, a guy like Cuban makes a dumbass statement, a guy who's never had an opportunity to represent his country and be a part of that whole process and understand the goodwill and the way we've improved the game."

"Hell, if the Dream Team didn't go, maybe he wouldn't have half his players. Maybe these kids would be playing soccer or something else. That makes me sick."


MARK CUBAN: "This is a topic that's easy for Larry to comment on. He has never had to write the check for an NBA payroll in his life. Has he ever run a business in his life?”

"He isn't responsible to fans, and he gets paid regardless of what happens. If things don't work out, a player gets injured or he doesn't like the way things are going, he can do what he has done everywhere else, just leave.

"As the owner of the team, I can't do that. I am responsible to everyone in the organization, particularly the fans, who much prefer watching our best players, playing at the top of their game."

"Larry is a great coach, and that is exactly what he should stick to. When he is responsible for a hundred million dollars or more in contracts, then I will respect his opinion on the subject.”

"Until then, I'm thankful for the impact the Dream Team had on the NBA and its worldwide appeal. There is no question the league benefited. However, times change. The economics and state of the NBA are different today than they were in 1992. Maybe it's time to stop looking at the Olympics as a marketing tool for professional sports."


LARRY BROWN: "We're supposed to be the best players, we're supposed to think of what's best for the game, but unfortunately, we have people who think only of what's good for themselves.”

"That's why our game has gone from being a great team game to an individual sport. We have an opportunity to show everybody the right way to play, just like the teams we sent over in the past. So Maloof and Cuban ... this is before they even knew what basketball was like. They ought to be proud of the fact that we've improved the sport and stop thinking so selfishly.”

"This is not a selfish sport."


MARK CUBAN: "I'm all for having a great team represent our country, and we have more than 100 Division I colleges from which USA Basketball could recruit a top quality team to do the job."

"Or better yet, why doesn't Coach Brown quit the Pistons and donate his services and enough money to support a program that pays college age players a stipend to be part of USA Basketball and represent our country? Now that would be patriotic.”

"He could recruit players to come play for USA Basketball rather than a college and have them practice full time in Colorado Springs as a team like they do in other Olympic sports. Rather than play for a great program like Indiana or North Carolina, they could play for Coach Brown, learn the game, represent their country and even earn a little of his money.”

"To help out, I would even match however much Coach Brown donated to the cause and help raise money for the team."



Everyone should be allowed to form their own opinion on the matter, but please keep in mind that Mark Cuban is right, and that Larry Brown is a moron.

If I were black I'd say that Josh Howard is my nigga, but I'm not, so I'll instead say that he was the steal of the draft.

PANCAKES!!!


Please do NOT sit next to Dennis.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Tim's Chemistry Exam

Copy of this guy's test where he made up the most bowlshit answers. Fucking hilarious.


Powered by audblogaudio post powered by audblog

Gordon's Rules for New Year's Resolutions

by Gordon Keith

Why are we so chronically dissatisfied that we have to make resolutions year after year? Because we suck, that's why. We are all fat, lazy, too controlling, not assertive enough. We all need to pay off our credit card, get a cheaper apartment, buy a house, get a better job, get a girlfriend, get rid of our girlfriend, at least run the half-marathon, read a book a week, learn Spanish, stop partying so much, be tidier, go to church, get a gym membership, stop taking shit from people, dress better, go back to school, try Atkins and stop stealing our sister's underwear. Am I right? Who's with me?
For the past 10 years, I have set down on paper the things that I wanted to accomplish in the coming year. Every year, just like everyone else, I get arrested for public intoxication. So, I don't know how to keep resolutions, but I sure as hell know how to make them. Here are my rules for success.

1) Don't set the goals too high. Instead of "Learn Spanish," why not just "Learn the word mota?" It's easier and more practical. Wade into it. Don't just go right out and run the White Rock Marathon. Take the stairs in the parking garage first. Here's another idea. Rather than "Lose 20 pounds," why not "Criticize everyone else for being image-conscious?"

2) Don't make specific goals. Specific resolutions are a sure recipe for failure. If you are resolved to "Read a book a week," then you have an objective criterion by which to fail. Instead, resolve to "Look around at stuff." Rather than "Pay off credit cards," resolve to "Not buy some companies."

3) Put some easy ones in there to give yourself a sense of progress. This is a no-brainer. If you have already checked off a couple of things on your list by February, you are more likely to stay on track for the rest of the year. Make them easy things that you are probably going to accomplish anyway, like "Take at least one dump a week." Or "Notice construction." Or "Respond to light." Trust me. It works. So, if you are like me and are "Breathing regularly," you soon will enjoy feeling that sense of "follow-through" that is so important in today's bi-curious community.

I hope these help. And I hope that this little insert goes a long way in helping you achieve the ultimate. But then again, I say that to all the ladies.



I realize that this is more than a little late, but I just found it and it made me gigglepiss.
Lifted from the Dallas Observer.


The Man Who Smokes Thru His Eyes??

Friday, February 06, 2004

X-TINY

Yes, she's standing.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

My Brain Dead Quote of the Week

"Fuck you, you fucking signal-no-using-fuck-cunt!"

Super Bowl Commercials

Monday, February 02, 2004

A Message For You!



Holy shit this is like the funniest thing ever to play with! Ya'll can be expecting a shitload e-mails from me here soon...

Nice Ass

"Oh, man!! This girl's ass is so nice, it's causing the "Don't-get-a-woody-at-the-wrong-moment" and the "Don't-sport-a-totally-ridiculous-facial-expression-in-public" parts of my brain to totally shut down..."

The Streaker

That guy who streaked through the Super Bowl - this is his website. He's the same guy who streaked through the British Open with "The 19th Hole" written on his back with an arrow pointing to his ass. What's amazing is that he actually announced on his website last week that he was gonna streak at the Super Bowl and still managed to make it onto the field at the "Most Secure Place in America"....

Blonde Chick With Cute Pussy

Simon Swears



Still makes me giggle...

Janet Jackson's Hoo-Hoo


I.
Love.
Football on TV.
On a TV that's HD.
Janet Jackson's Hoo-Hoo.
And twins.

I.
Love.
Sonic Breakfast Burritos at 4 p.m.
Making fun of Ken.
British girls who do keg stands.
And twins.

And I love you, too.

Here's to foosball.