Sunday, October 24, 2004

Ashlee Simpson's Milli Vanilli Moment

Because I'm too cool to put up a link to the John Stewart video like everyone else.

If your dingus is short
And your stream is weak
You'd better stand close
Or you'll piss on your feet

Thursday, October 21, 2004

What John Kerry Stands For

I'm still voting for him.

The Zoom Project

Where's my acid?

Click for larger version.

Cunning Stunt

The scariest blog I've seen all week.


Greatest. Series. Ever.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Matt vs. Coke Machine

The 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles

Including such favorites as Dude, Where's My Dildo, Big Trouble in Little Vagina, Moulin Splooge, Abs of Cum, and Amber the Lesbian Queefer.

This is so wrong...

Saturday, October 16, 2004

The Pentagon

You've probably seen this before, but if you haven't, regardless of the validity of any of it, it's at least interesting. And if you don't think so, you can still turn up the speakers and jam to the Fight Club music. Cause if you don't dig Fight Club music, you're definitely a gay.


Maybe you should take the test.

Words of Wisdom

from George Carlin

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

Always look both ways.

Election 2004

by Sabrina's Vagina

Firstly, our president has the same basic difficulty with the English language that many people being detained at our borders do. I think we should investigate him on this whole 9-11 business. Anyone making up letters, words and phrases is truly trying to undermine the American way of life. Also, he is a nigger. I won't even waste time talking about him.

Next, there is Kerry. He killed a lot of Gooks back in the ‘Nam. Anyone that murders little slant eyed babies is completely awesome in my book. For some reason, I can only picture him doing this while holding a bayonette from the French Revolution and stabbing their little rice patty heads and stringing the babies up like he was stringing popcorn for the Walton's poor ass Christmas tree. But I find this to be endearing, even if he happens to look like Herman Munster and talks like he is passing a kidney stone. I really like to think the pseudo grunts he makes during conversation are really just his special way of mocking Bush for his lack of command of the English language. Also, he needs to bitch slap his wife. She annoys the hell out of me. I can’t really say that I like Kerry, but I am going to have to say that I pretty much hate all conservative people and wish them a horrible case of Ebola. The scientists in my underground layer are working day and night to cook up a new batch of it--that I can spread through the South because I hate them, and well I guess I will sprinkle a dash of it in the Midwest because it is a waste of space and people. We could put both areas to better use by dedicating the land to Hermaphrodites, Transvestites and Pornographers. Working hard to better love and accept these valuable brothers and sisters, or in the case of the Hermies brother/sisters, of ours. Also, I hope Britney Spears's baby is born with a birth defect. I know you want to hate me, but you just can’t. I’m a vagina and I bleed intently for a week and that is enough to drive anyone insane.


Sabrina’s Vagina

Does this ever get old??


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Broken Board, Broken Taint

The Ebay Song

The new Bittersweet Symphony/Jay-Z mash-up is the shizzle.

Okay, for some reason they took this down. Email me if you want it.